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Ring a ling a ling by Jeff Stebane So you just sit down to relax. Just then the phone rings. You know the story. Pick up the phone and it is someone trying to sell you something. Well below I am going to give you a few tips that may help you in getting rid of the person on the other line and maybe even have a little fun with them too. These ideas will mostly work with the category that it is under but may also work with any telemarketers. Phone Company calls I usually tell them them to stop talking and listen to what my phone company is like. I then explain that I do not have any fee and that all my long distance calls are $.04 a minute. If you can beat that then please switch me. (No one has ever switched me yet) Tell them that you don't have a phone. Then explain that you can't believe how good the cans and string are working today. Tell them that they just called a pay telephone. Windows, Doors or other house remodeling Tell them that you live in a bomb shelter and it is just one big underground room. (No windows, door, etc.) Listen closely to the name of the person and company. Then say "Hey (persons name) you know I work for (name of the company) why are you trying to sell me stuff that I sell? Explain to them that you just finished building the house two days ago and are sure not going to change anything. Tell them that you own your own construction company and tell them that you are looking to hire if they want to stop working with a bad company. Grass Ask them how they can fertilize grass around the house boat that they just called. Tell them that you only have a concrete slab for a back yard. Explain to them that you just went through detox and don't smoke grass anymore. Tell them that you are in the process of adding on to the house and that you after the backhoe digs up your yard there wont be any lawn to take care of. Magazine, Newspapers or other printed materials Tell them that you live by yourself and are dyslexic. Explain to them that you are blind and just started playing guitar so you can't read brail because of the calluses on on your fingers. (also you need to be left handed and play guitar right handed.) You don't know how to read. BMG or other music and movie clubs Oh cool, I was just commenting that I need some new tunes for the 8-track player. Or substitute Beta tapes for movies. (don't have a cd player or cassette tape player) I am completely deaf or blind depending on which one calls. (Be prepared to say "I can't hear you" and then hang up.) Music and Movies are just another form of the devil trying to get to my soul. Benefits, fund raisers, or any charity groups Tell them that you have canned goods or will volunteer. (If it is for a worthy cause they will take anything you will give.) I tell them this "My band Riverz Edge would love to help you out with any type of event. We will donate half of our pay to the cause if you book our band for a fund raiser or other type of event." (We have gotten a few shows out of it but for the most part the people are not even from Wisconsin, they just say they are.) These will work with just about any telemarketer I am sorry my mom or dad is not home. Start crying and say "my parents just died in a car accident" Make grunting noises and explain that you are in the middle of taking a "great big dump". Ask for the persons home phone number and tell them that you will call them later. They will say that they can't give it out and then say "I don't give mine out either so don't call me anymore." Ask if the person is hot. Tell them that "talking to you beats calling those sex numbers." Tell them that you are in the middle of masturbating and would love it if they would talk dirty to you. After everything the person says follow it by saying "roar, I'm a bear... Whoaf, whoaf now I am a doggy... and so on" (This one really freaks people out.) Pretend like the person sounds like the "lover" that your wife/husband is having an affair with. Get more and more mad and explain what you are going to do with a stick of summer sausage and a tube of calk. Keep feeling sorry for yourself. Tell them that it was so nice of them to call. You are the only friend in the world. Ask them to come over for diner. When they say they can't, ask why? Don't you like me? Pretend like the phone doesn't work. Say stuff like: Hello, hello, is anybody there, hello... then take the phone away from your mouth and yell into another room "Must be your damn mother, why she pretends not to be on the phone." (The marketer will call back again after you hang up. Do it again but this time say "I am gonna call the phone company about these prank calls" Start singing the "Barney" song over and over. Put on a good movie and ask the person if they can hold on for a minute. Then set the phone down and watch the movie. And for those of you who didn't like any of the above ideas here is one of the best. "Thank you for calling me but I am not interested in your product at this time. Please tell your manager to take us off your mailing list. Please remember that you only get one warning after that you are harassing me and I will then take you to court. Thank you" (If the company does call back within one year you have the right to take them to court and will win.) Well I hope that you enjoyed my list and please send me some of your suggestions. I can always use a few more ideas. One word of warning. Do not say "Squeal like a pig, yeah who's your daddy, mmm mmm I am going to F*** you like a fresh fox in a forest fire, I am so glad that you called me in the middle of bangin' my 'ol lady." Because the phone company will call you and give you a warning for lewd and harassing behavior. Which is a criminal offense even if the person called you. P.S. Check out this site if you would like to remove your name from direct marketing lists. NCUC - Telecommunications Order
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